


To Love and Lose Again

by BWolf_20



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Scene, Broken Rick, Brutal Murder, Character Deaths, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Season 7 episode 1 spoilers, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 08:24:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8482453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BWolf_20/pseuds/BWolf_20
Summary: What if Negan had chosen someone else to take the hit from lucille? Someone very close to heart gets chosen and Rick can't fathom it as it breaks him. (Spoilers for "The day will come when you won't be")





	1. Love

“Eenie…meenie…miney…mo…”

It was dread. Pure dread that was consuming Rick as he watched Negan move up and down the line, pointing his beloved bat down at each member of his kneeling family as he spoke the childish rhyme. Soon his decision would be made and he couldn’t fathom what would happen when it ended. 

“My mother…told me…to pick…the very…best one…”

As he moved, Rick listed off the people it couldn’t be and realized it would have to be him. 

It couldn’t be Maggie. Yes this world was cruel, but what kind of world would take an expecting mother away in such a horrible fashion? Then he thought of Lori and his stomach turned at the idea of Glenn going through what he had. Glenn didn’t deserve it either. The baby needed his father, and they needed Glenn. 

They also needed Abraham, and in turn, the two that had come with him, Rosita and Eugene. Their skills added to the group, but there had also been another side; a side that cared about the welfare and safety of the people in their community. That of course included Aaron. He’d been a suspect of danger when Rick first laid eyes upon him, but now, now he felt there was still more he could learn from a kind-hearted man who was willing to welcome his family under the roof of the place he called home. 

“…and you…are…”

There was Sasha, but she couldn’t be touched. She had just pulled through after major losses and there were hints she was coming into a new romance. The strong-willed woman could not be touched, just like Michonne. She too was too strong to leave this world, but, there was also another reason it couldn’t be her…so he wouldn’t acknowledge the possibility. 

No. Negan would not touch his family. He wouldn’t touch his son. He would not lose his child tonight. He shut his eyes momentarily and noticed the bat point down at Daryl before moving on. It wouldn’t be his brother. Not his right-hand man.

The bat fell upon him once again and Rick did all he could to brace for it. There was no other choice. It had to be him. He had gotten them into this. It was his fault, and no one deserved it more. 

But Negan was moving again, dragging it out. Rick couldn’t take it. His mind went blank as he shook with terror. It was an unending nightmare. He was losing his grasp of the situation. Why didn’t Negan just kill him! It was better than feeling this agonizing dread gripping his heart. But then…if he died, Carl and Judith would be alone. 

But that wasn’t exactly true. If he died, there was still…

“It.”

Rick slowly turned his head to see where the bat had landed, and his heart all but dropped, silently.

There were a few gasps and stifled cries from the others. He heard Carl whisper “No” in a broken voice. 

Michonne squared her shoulders and stared into Negan’s eyes with such defiance that Rick was ashamed he couldn’t do the same. 

“Anybody move anybody says anything take the boy’s other eye out and feed it to his father.”

A fog had clouded his mind. His skin became paler. Rick worked his mouth but no sound came. He shifted pathetically in the manner of trying to crawl over to her, but the thought of his actions affecting Carl kept him at bay.

“You can breathe…you can blink.”

Rick couldn’t stop staring at her wide-eyed. He forced his tongue and his voice finally came in a near soundless whisper.

“M…m..Mich…onne.”

Negan was wrapping up his speech, yet Rick heard nothing in his ears. Michonne managed to toss him a sideways look. She was good at expressing strength, yet as their eyes met he saw her fear of dying. Any other form of death would be better. He knew there were things she wanted to say. There was too much to say, and no time to say it.

She turned her eyes back to the man, just as the bat came down.

He heard a cry of shock from Maggie. He could hear Carl’s cry catch in his throat and he started to choke. Rick was aware that he had cried out, but it had gotten stuck somewhere and his breathe wasn’t coming out right. 

Lucille had sent the woman down halfway. Blood had blossomed on the front of her head. Rick was leaning forward on all fours trembling violently. He couldn’t get his mouth to cry her name again. His mind kept telling him this wasn’t happening. This wasn't real.

Then with shaky arms, she rose back up, like the fighter she was.

“Look at that,” Negan praised, a huge grin spreading like he was proud. “What a woman. Just taking it like champ.”

Rivers of red began to flow down the side of her head. Her hair covered much of it, but there was no hiding it from Rick. His body started to cave in on itself, face scrunching up as his eyes watered.

“No, no…don’t…don’t,” came his garbled, broken plea to Negan. The tears were running before he could stop it.

Michonne just tried to stay upright after the blow. Everyone was looking at her. Maggie sobbed and dropped her head at the thought of losing a sister-like friend. 

Negan just smiled, then left his position before Michonne in favor of standing in front of him.

“Oh my, were you two…together?”

Rick forced himself to rise and stare into that horrible face. 

“Take me…take me.” He couldn’t lose her. Not now, not since…

“I am truly sorry about this.” Negan didn’t react to the choking groans of pain from Michonne. “Believe it or not, I would’ve preferred not to take out the leader’s bitch, but I had to choose someone.”

He walked away, back toward her, and Rick made a move to jump forward and fell as his arms gave out.

“PLEASE!”

He heard Carl’s cry again. 

There was momentary silence, before Michonne’s final word caught his attention.

“Rick.”

Shakily he raised his head, and met her eyes one last time before the bat came down once more. She didn’t rise again as Lucille kept her down. He heard his family quietly weep as he curled into himself on the ground, watching as Negan reduced the beautiful sword wielding powerhouse to nothing. The earth become stained with matter and skull fragments all covered in red.

Soon Rick couldn’t see it. His eyes were too wet. Negan never seemed to stop swinging the bat. 

She was gone. 

She was gone. 

Why wouldn’t he stop? 

Every time the bat came down, it struck his heart a little harder. 

When Negan stopped at last, Rick became quite still. Negan looked around and dropped his eyes toward him.

“Woman went down with fight in her eyes. I admire that.”

Rick said nothing. He only stared at him, mind blank once more.


	2. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

He remembered telling the man he was going to kill him. There wasn’t much force behind the threat, but he’d said it. He’d said it for them, for Michonne…and Glenn. After everything Negan put him through afterwards, Rick felt that it didn’t matter what he’d said. 

He was frozen on the ground. The sun had risen. No one had moved.

He felt so numb he thought he was already dead. He didn’t feel like he was breathing.

Slowly, he turned his head in the direction of where Michonne now laid. He was spared looking for too long as he heard the rustle of gravel.

Maggie was getting to her feet. The only one able to rise. Rick rose with her and came to her side. Her needs came before his own now…but Michonne... 

He couldn’t stop his lip from trembling as he used words to try and ease her back down. She shouldn’t get up now. She needed to sit, yet she was determined to express what needed to happen.

When the tears came Rick couldn’t take it. He watched her stagger toward her love, then he turned his eyes to his own. Carl was already seated beside her body, head bowed staring at a woman who had become like a mother to him.

Rick felt as if he was walking in a dream as he staggered towards her. The tears were no longer flooding. He just couldn’t process it. He just couldn’t process the smashed remains of her head. He couldn’t process the stillness of her body.

He fell to his knees on her other side. Carl was crying now as he looked at her. Rick wished he’d look away.

Rick wavered, rolling his eyes away from something he couldn’t understand. He looked at his son instead.

“Carl,” came his raspy tone.

The boy looked up. He stopped crying and gave him a look that seemed to mirror Michonne’s own look of defiance. Rick knew he wanted to speak. Maybe he wanted to yell, blame him for the loss, but he remained tight-lipped.

“Carl…we need to…we need-”

“We need to fight,” he suddenly said, startling him. “We need to fight him…for her.”

Rick saw that strong determination, but he also recognized his son’s need to smoother the pain. He wished with all his heart he could erase what he’d witnessed. If anyone deserved to be haunted it was him.  
Rick let his eyes drop to Michonne only briefly. He couldn’t look at her properly. Not like this. He knew what would happen if he did. He forced himself to hold it together while wishing he could stop trembling.

“We can’t,” he whispered. It felt like an insult to say it over her. Michonne was a fighter. “He’s got…” His voice wouldn’t let him bring up the man responsible. It was too vile to mention him. “We’ve gotta go. We’ve got to…”

He didn’t know how to say that they needed to bury her.

Carl dropped his head again, falling forward to lean his head against her back. With a shaky hand Rick reached out to pull him away, but Rosita and Eugene came over to help remove her body. Rick looked around to see Sasha, Abraham, and Aaron were preparing to take Glenn while comforting Maggie. 

“I’ll, I’ll do it,” Rick said shakily as he rose and took ahold of her shoulder.

But, the moment his hand touched it, he had looked down again. He was looking at what Negan had done for the first time it seemed, then everything fell away. His face crumpled and he fell against her wailing. Another love was lost. A love that had become very special too him. He wondered, just briefly, if he’d done something horrible in another life to deserve the constant loss of loves. 

“Dad.”

Rick raised his tear stained face to Carl who was already standing. He bowed his head and raised himself to his feet. Wordlessly he began to lift her. Eugene moved closer to gather her feet.

“I got it,” Rick gasped as he made to pull her into his arms, bridal style.

“Dad.”

He paused as Carl took his place to help carry her as well. He could see how important it was that he do this for her as well. 

Rick said nothing. He held his son’s gaze before they both walked together, clinging to a woman that had meant so much. Eugene and Rosita parted as the two came through.

So many things went through his mind, yet he couldn’t fully believe that this had happened. How could two people lose their lovers? Rick couldn’t help scanning the woods briefly, wondering if the dark skinned warrior would show up in a white dress. He begged for it, needing to see her one last time. Needing to see her face, smiling.

But she didn’t appear. 

Rick entered the RV and laid her down next to Glenn. He could hear Maggie sobbing loudly into Sasha’s arms. Rick was crouched in a frozen stance, staring down. He wasn’t aware of anything else as scenes of his time with her played in his head. The last moments had been the sweetest. The ones were he had realized he had fallen for her. It had just happened, but at the same time, it was something that had been there all along.

He wanted to tell her he was sorry, but his voice was gone. He felt the vehicle give a tremble. Someone was driving them home. Maybe that someone would do a better job at leading. He wasn’t in charge anymore afterall. 

He willed himself to say something, anything, but in the end he couldn’t. Maybe it was better to save words for the funeral. He promised himself he would make such an effort. He would apologize, and then, he would tell the remaining members of his family that he loved her and that it would never be the same without her. Right now, it was still too unreal. Right now he hadn’t lost Michonne, she was the one driving. 

When his hand reached down to grasps her lifeless fingers he knew he couldn’t believe such a fantasy. Right now he couldn’t believe anything, except the hole in his heart that came from loving and losing yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have Rick speak or say anything personal to Michonne once he set her inside the RV since he was in shock and didn't speak when he entered the RV at the end of the premiere and I wanted to have that going here. Here, Rick's still kind of struggling to process this as real and somewhat denying it happened at the same time accepting it did. I imagine lots of fans felt that way after the true deaths on the show. Anyways, that was my take on what I imagined it'd look like if it was her.

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I never speculated Michonne would get Lucilled mainly as I thought it would be extremely unfair and would look as though Rick could never fall for someone again as they'd end up dying. You've all seen the premiere by now and know who it is, but I wondered what it would look like if she had been chosen. That's my imagining on the scene if it played that way. One more part left, the aftermath of course.


End file.
